Just One More Hill…

Every year at my company, we drive up to Mammoth for four days for a company retreat. There is usually a combination of team building sessions, outdoor activities, and eating copious amounts of bacon and/or M&Ms. 

During my first retreat, we went on an afternoon hike up Lembert Dome to work off said bacon and/or M&Ms. Although the hike was supposed to be leisurely, I struggled because of the altitude (i.e. out of shape). As we approached the top, dirt, snow, and trees gave way to rock, so I knew we were getting close to the peak. “One more hill!” someone would shout, so I was pretty motivated to make it to that one hill. When we finally got to that point, I found out that indeed there was one more hill.

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That Time I Watched Star Trek Into Darkness by Myself

One thing you absolutely need to stay sane as a parent is some time to yourself. I am not talking about the time after you’ve put the kiddies to bed and the house is quiet. I am talking about being physically somewhere else such that your mind knows you are physically somewhere else. I am also not talking about girls’ night out or guys’ night out. I’m talking about being physically somewhere else and also being alone. It’s important to be by yourself occasionally so you can maintain some perspective about who you are and appreciate the times you are around friends and loved ones. Some people might call it mediation. Others might call it going to a theater to watch Star Trek Into Darkness by yourself. I call it the latter.

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Excuse the Template…

Even though I work on websites for a living, I have decided to put content over design for now and just launch this puppy with a default WordPress theme. As I get time to work on it, I will make it more my own. Just think of it as a chef at a fancy restaurant who just wants to eat greasy chinese food when he gets home from work. Not to say whoever developed this theme created the web equivalent of greasy chinese food. This theme is super and I am grateful for its existence. It’s just that…..ok, I’ll just stop now.

Wait, What?

The year is 2013. Humans are used to having every nugget of knowledge at our fingertips within seconds and we don’t even think twice about it.

“My kitchen sink is broken!” -Google it.
“Remember that one theme song from that 80s sitcom we always used to watch?” -YouTube it.
“Who was that one actor in that one movie who’s in that new TV show now?” -IMDB it.
“I have this weird rash on my arm!” -WebMD Symptom Checker…it.

There is no excuse to not know something anymore. We might not be able to download knowledge and expertise straight into our brains a la The Matrix, but we are getting there.

Yet despite thousands of years of collective human experience, there is no way to truly prepare for being a parent. No website can replicate the experience of waking up at 2 A.M. night after night for months. No YouTube video can recreate the overwhelming emotions stirred up by witnessing the birth of your child (although it CAN recreate the whole “things that cannot be unseen” aspect of it). No words of wisdom from your recently anointed parent friends nor your parents can save you when your child is screaming for no apparent reason.

Ten and a half months into this parenting gig, here are some things I’ve learned:

  • If you don’t truly know thyself, you will get to know thyself REAL quick when you discover that your baby, like Honey Badger, don’t care.
  • Even if you are listening to your favorite song ever, if your baby is crying, it automatically becomes the worst song ever.
  • The amount of time your baby sleeps is inversely proportional to how fatigued you are.
  • All babies have within them a wormhole from which all bodily fluids materialize. How else can such a tiny being produce so much poop, pee, and spit up? Science, yo.
  • The only toys that your baby will really enjoy are things that are not toys – real cellphones instead of the toy version, the box the toy came instead of the toy. Why don’t they just make the toys look and feel like the real thing? Also, there’s no BSing your child about this. I noticed that my son was really into the tags on things, so I got this blanket for him thinking he’d be into it because it had tags on tags. He totally didn’t fall for it. Babies know.
  • Like prison inmates, all babies have is time. No matter what obstacle you put in in front of them, they will find a way.

There are 20 more points I could list here, but each of them probably deserves their own post.