What are your top three pet peeves?
If you’re reading this, you’re probably lucky enough to only have first world problems – getting zero likes/favorites/retweets/comments on your carefully crafted social media post, having a jackass cut you off on the freeway, waiting in a particularly long line at Starbucks. The following three things may or may or may not fall into this category, but calling something a “pet” peeve already seems to reduce its importance or significance. Anyway, since the challenge wasn’t “What are all of your pet peeves?”, here are three.
*Side note: Is the phrase “may or may not” redundant? I feel like it is.
1. Weak handshakes
When I was an impressionable young lad, my dad told me, “Always give a firm handshake” so I always do. A firm handshake signifies that you actually care about the person you are meeting. It also increases the chances of the person you are meeting will actually care about any subsequent words that come out of your mouth. If I am going to risk touching germs or a finger that may or may not have picked a nose earlier, I at least got it from a firm handshake instead of an 18th century aristocrat hand. A quote from Sarah Silverman explains this perfectly:
“If someone gives me a handshake like this [holds out limp hand], I go, ‘I’m going to change your life forever.'”
So if you give weak handshakes, I’m going to change your life forever. If you don’t care then your life won’t change and that’s precisely the point.
2. Not using turn signals
If not for changing lanes, merging, turning right, or turning left, then when DO you use turn signals, you uncivilized heathen?? When you accidentally meant to turn on the windshield wipers? This blows my mind especially living in southern California where a car is pretty much an appendage. Not using your blinkers is like refusing to use prepositions or the word “the” when you speak – don’t be surprised when people didn’t know what hell you were trying to say. We might not be able to prevent the earth form warming two degrees anymore, but we can at least reduce the collective stress of the world by at least 10% by using turn signals.
3. People who use the off-ramp lane as a way to skip ahead of traffic
Dude, just don’t. The reason why that lane exists is to let people off the freeway, not for you to shave 30 seconds off of a two hour commute. My commute home involves a freeway interchange that people always use to get ahead of the traffic but really end up blocking all the people trying to get off that freeway. If you want to witness the physical manifestation of rage, block a line of cars from getting off the freeway while you are trying to cut back into traffic at the last possible minute. Even from the relative comfort of your car, you will feel the heat emanating from everyone behind you like japanese honeybees on an invading hornet. If you’re someone who does this, I’m going to change your life forever.