The year is 2013. Humans are used to having every nugget of knowledge at our fingertips within seconds and we don’t even think twice about it.
“My kitchen sink is broken!” -Google it.
“Remember that one theme song from that 80s sitcom we always used to watch?” -YouTube it.
“Who was that one actor in that one movie who’s in that new TV show now?” -IMDB it.
“I have this weird rash on my arm!” -WebMD Symptom Checker…it.
There is no excuse to not know something anymore. We might not be able to download knowledge and expertise straight into our brains a la The Matrix, but we are getting there.
Yet despite thousands of years of collective human experience, there is no way to truly prepare for being a parent. No website can replicate the experience of waking up at 2 A.M. night after night for months. No YouTube video can recreate the overwhelming emotions stirred up by witnessing the birth of your child (although it CAN recreate the whole “things that cannot be unseen” aspect of it). No words of wisdom from your recently anointed parent friends nor your parents can save you when your child is screaming for no apparent reason.
Ten and a half months into this parenting gig, here are some things I’ve learned:
- If you don’t truly know thyself, you will get to know thyself REAL quick when you discover that your baby, like Honey Badger, don’t care.
- Even if you are listening to your favorite song ever, if your baby is crying, it automatically becomes the worst song ever.
- The amount of time your baby sleeps is inversely proportional to how fatigued you are.
- All babies have within them a wormhole from which all bodily fluids materialize. How else can such a tiny being produce so much poop, pee, and spit up? Science, yo.
- The only toys that your baby will really enjoy are things that are not toys – real cellphones instead of the toy version, the box the toy came instead of the toy. Why don’t they just make the toys look and feel like the real thing? Also, there’s no BSing your child about this. I noticed that my son was really into the tags on things, so I got this blanket for him thinking he’d be into it because it had tags on tags. He totally didn’t fall for it. Babies know.
- Like prison inmates, all babies have is time. No matter what obstacle you put in in front of them, they will find a way.
There are 20 more points I could list here, but each of them probably deserves their own post.